We’ve all heard the cautionary tales from the mom-warriors who blazed trails before us. They begged us to cherish our sleep and revel in our ability to poop without an audience. Maybe you listened and snuggled into bed a few hours early every night. Heck, viagra sale maybe you even meditated peacefully during your throne sessions. But even if you diligently heeded every smidge of advice about enjoying your pre-mom life, troche I guarantee you still unknowingly took these daily luxuries for granted.
1. Doing laundry meant you had clean clothes.
In my pre-mom days procrastinating laundry was an art form. Outfit pieces could be reutilized with a couple swap outs and a snazzy accessory or two which let me stretch my laundry to a toppling point. I’d then embark on my once a month laundromat retreat. Commencing a weekend-long laundry bender that concluded with a closet full of fresh, clean, Gain drenched apparel.
Life was simple then. Even when I put the task off to sweatpant necessitating levels, doing laundry always equaled clean clothes.
I now do laundry every day. I’m not entirely sure what muddled equation we are working with now (probably some trigonometry bullshit), all I know is it ends in me wearing three-day-old yoga pants, a battered old nursing bra, and questionable socks while the rest of the family looks catalog ready. Jerks.
2. The TV wasn’t the devil.
Oh, you say you already feel guilty for watching tv? Lies. You don’t know TV guilt until you’ve had kids. You may have felt guilty for annually binging on Friends, but you could just laugh it off with your real life friend who does the same thing with Greys.
Mom TV-guilt is therapist worthy. Loads upon loads of articles and doctors lament the brain-numbing college crusher that is TV before two. Despite this, you will still watch tv. Oh, you’ll watch. And when you think you’re done it’ll suck you back in. But now every time it does instead of guilting over watching 10 shows in a row, you’ll guilt about playing anything besides Sesame Street for more than 10 minutes with your little one in the room for fear of having to report it at the next doc visit.
Call me when you find yourself crying over the fact that your one year old stops what they are doing to bounce and giggle every time they hear the theme song of your favorite show. Goddamned Friends.
3. Spontaneity was a thing.
Remember when you could go for a walk on a whim? Go grab a last minute bite with your bestie or throw caution to the wind and see where the night takes you?
Well, guess what. I always know where the night takes me and it involves scrolling through Pinterest waiting for the baby monitor to herald the start of our midnight hunger games: teething infant edition.
Gone are the days of going out with just a clutch, driving anywhere farther than 10 minutes away, or having a drink without seriously planning your every move. Life takes careful coordination and lots of packing now that you have wee one.
Case in point: My husband and I went to a rock concert last month. You can’t “spontaneously” go to a concert and still pull off sitting down halfway through to pump and store breast milk. That shit takes a month of preparation and an awkward encounter with the teenage bag checker at the gate.
4. Road trips were fun.
Ah, good old road trips, the casual stops, the catchy playlist… Well not anymore.
Your road trips will now be coordinated with an accuracy of a navy seal operation. Special op: Grandma’s house takes 6 hours with three strategic diaper change stops and a planned car nap; this means no catchy playlist for you. You’ll be too busy frantically tossing a tub full of distraction objects at your child while you scour the road for “a good place to pull over” and change him since he slept through the last rest stop. Enjoy.
Now, you may think that you can outwit me and this list and now that you have it you can start appreciating these mundane aspects of your life right now. But I’m here to tell you that it just doesn’t work that way. These, like many of the things mom’s scream at you to appreciate while kidless, just aren’t fully appreciable until they are gone from your life. Take my advice and instead of trying to overly appreciate all these everyday moments and conveniences, just count on the fact that with each of these changes comes a silver lining. You may not have clean clothes but you get to fold the cutest damned outfits daily. You may feel guilty about TV, but when you watch your baby dance to a theme song you won’t care. You won’t have spontaneous anything, but that means your trips and adventures mean so much more. And your road trips may be a pain in the ass, but you’ll sure as hell make sure the trips you do take will be worth the drive.