5 Essential New Words in a New Mom’s Vocabulary 6

Pro•cras•ti•nap•ping, link  verb

The action of delaying or postponing something less than exciting via the art of strategically napping when baby naps — or just straight up with the baby. Commonly done when baby-trapped and never as refreshing as one would hope.

“I’m sorry I didn’t get any housework  done this week; my procrastinapping got a wee bit out of hand as I chased the ultimate sleep.”

Ba•by Trap, noun

An uncomfortable position or activity that effectively puts a baby to sleep while simultaneously trapping the unwary parent in said position or activity until they finally crack and attempt a baby escaping maneuver which nearly always wakes the aforementioned baby negating the benefit of the entire process.

“I fell into a baby trap and am now stuck playing on my phone one-handed, with an oddly bent neck, lest I brave getting up from the squeaky futon upon which he has decided to doze.”

Poop•splo•sion, noun

a violent and destructive shattering or blowing apart of the common diaper, as if caused by a bum-launched missile of poo. Commonly used when “blow-out” just doesn’t cover the devastation and almost exclusively occurs when a parent is holding the poopsploder.

“She heard the poopsplosion before she felt it. The diaper and onesie were no match for the sudden attack. Her shirt was an unfortunate casualty, but her pants would live to see another day.”

Ba•by•cade, noun

An improvised barrier erected in front of a dangerous object or area to prevent or delay the acquisition or movement into by the opposing baby. Commonly done by parents who have not adequately baby proofed and constructed with pillows, blankets, or a strategically placed parental limb. Typically paired with distracti-mines; i.e., toys strategically placed to slow the onslaught of undesirable baby exploration.

“The babycade couldn’t hold him. Junior had breached the leg, successfully navigated the distracti-mine line of pacifiers, and headed straight for the litter box.”

Mom Fu•el, noun

A substance such as coffee, wine, or chocolate that is consumed to produce the necessary energy or willpower to deal with the above-listed items on a regular basis. Commonly consumed in secret or whilst micro-cationing; i.e., the minute vacation you get while taking an excessive amount of time to complete an everyday task (peeing, showering, shopping, getting out of your car).

“New to mommyhood, Carol had not yet discovered the healing powers of Mom Fuel. Luckily, poor exhausted Carol would soon find solace in the dark arms of a daily dark brew.”

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