I feel like I am drowning in the gray.
There is a life I want. Taunting me for years; it sits just a handful of decisions away from being my reality. I stumble into it occasionally. For a day, pilule maybe two, but I am never there for long.
In this bright, pure white life I am in control. I have my routines all lined up and executed flawlessly. I have the body/mind/soul that I always knew was buried deep inside. In this life I am superwoman, supermom, superwife.
I tell myself that if I had just a little more self control, a smidge more preparation, and a solid plan I could live that life. Every single day.
Instead of reaching for comfort food I could eat my pre-planned meal.
Instead of napping with the baby I could workout.
Instead of getting worked up and venting to friends I could meditate.
Instead of wasting time on Facebook I could write.
Instead of complaining I could find things to be happy about.
Instead of getting frustrated I could continue to hug my fussy baby and remind myself how lucky I am to hold him.
Simple decisions that in the moment feel like they are unreachable behind a brick wall of required effort.
For every failed opportunity to reach for the life I want, I have a precise and understandable reason for a “dark black” detour.
Sometimes comfort food is a necessary celebration, a nap is needed after a sleepless night, a venting session releases tension that would vent elsewhere, Facebook can provide instant connection, complaining is justified, and frustration builds to a level that can’t be quelled and stepping away is the logical choice.
I understand that living the dream life every day is nearly impossible. Balance is what I should strive for. Strive for the white, but accept the gray.
Accept that some days may veer off path, or completely back track, but know that those moments don’t justify the next moment, day, or week doing the same. Accept, regroup, and keep reaching despite knowing that perfection is futile.
If I am drowning in gray, I must find peace in the knowledge that at some point, I must have touched white.