I feel like I am drowning in the gray.
There is a life I want. Taunting me for years; it sits just a handful of decisions away from being my reality. I stumble into it occasionally. For a day, maybe two, but I am never there for long.
In this bright, pure-white life I am in control. I have my routines all lined up and executed flawlessly. I have the body/mind/soul that I always knew was buried deep inside. In this life, I am superwoman, supermom, superwife.
I tell myself that if I had just a little more self-control, a smidge more preparation, and a solid plan I could live that life. Every single day.
Instead of reaching for comfort food I could eat my pre-planned meal.
Instead of napping with the baby I could work out.
Instead of getting worked up and venting to friends I could meditate.
Instead of wasting time on Facebook I could write.
Instead of complaining, I could find things to be happy about.
Instead of getting frustrated I could continue to hug my fussy baby and remind myself how lucky I am to hold him.
Simple decisions, ones that when I’m in the moment feel unreachable. As if they were taunting me from behind a brick wall of required effort.
For every failed opportunity to reach for the life I want, I have a precise and understandable reason for a “dark black” detour.
Sometimes comfort food is a necessary celebration, a nap is needed after a sleepless night, a venting session releases tension that would explode elsewhere, Facebook can provide instant connection for my non-existent social life, complaining is justified, and frustration builds to a level that can’t be quelled so stepping away is the only logical choice.
I understand that living the dream life every day is nearly impossible. Balance is what I should strive for. Strive for the white, but accept the gray.
I need to accept that some days may veer off the path, or completely backtrack, but I need to remind myself that those moments don’t justify doing the same thing in the next moment, tomorrow, or all week. I need to accept, regroup, and keep reaching. Even if perfection is futile.
If I am drowning in gray, I must find peace in the knowledge that at some point, I must have touched white.