Deep Thoughts from the Depths of Sleep Deprivation


In the depths of sleep deprivation, information pills many a thought enters the mom’s brain and rattles around attempting to incite chaos.

These are those thoughts.

(DUN. DUN.) <~ sound from law and order. Get it? Oh never mind…

Is the baby breathing?

(checks monitor)

Ok yes. Good…wait.

(checks monitor)

The blanket is moving, help but that may just be me hoping he’s breathing.

No, prescription that’s dumb. Of course he’s breathing, what else would move the blanket? Seriously woman, just go to sleep…unless

(checks monitor)

Is it a mouse? Aren’t mice diseased??

(Googles mice diseases, learns about hantavirus)

GOOD GOD! We are hiring an exterminator. Tomorrow. I should look up who I’ll call…

No! We need to sleep.

Fine…You know what else we need? We need to be better about kegels. That vag isn’t going to heal itself you know. No one needs a weak ass flappy vag. Kegel it up.

(Starts doing kegels in bed)

And don’t even get me started on the deflated balloon that hangs from your waist.

(Starts doing abdominal bracing in bed)

When did your ass become a caricature of a plastic bag filled with playdoh?

(Starts doing butt clenches in bed until husband wakes up asking if everything is ok because the bed is shaking)

**sigh** It’s fine for him… He doesn’t have to worry about post-baby body. He wouldn’t be sleeping so soundly if he did.

Speaking of which, men should totally get boobs when their spouse is pregnant so they can help feed the baby. Growth spurts would be way easier to manage with four boobs available.

I guess that is why they make bottles… I wish he would take a bottle. I wonder if that is a sign that something is developmentally wrong with him…

(Googles…gets stuck in a googling rabbit hole)

Well that settles it, we are totally going to the doctor tomorrow to ask about autism and Crohn’s disease. We’ll go while the exterminator is here.
Exterminate. Exterminate… Haha, ahh good times…

Shit. I haven’t heard any noises in a while… Is he still breathing?!?

(Frantically checks monitor)

Oh ok good…. Or am I just imaging the blanket moving again to make myself feel better about recalling Doctor Who episodes while my baby isn’t breathing!?!

Better go check on him.

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